and we all fall down

perhaps i've given up hope. resigned myself to the fact that this might never change. maybe it will. maybe it won't. how can we tell. it's been going on for too long. it's like you don't even see the hurt you cause. maybe because there is such a vast difference in the way you behave around different people. to others you are the perfect person. so cool, collected. so patient. so understanding. polite. helpful. yet far too often we see the exact opposite. aren't we more important? or at the very least, just as important? do you deliberately exchange personalities with some alter ego bearing your name the moment you switch from professional to personal? jekyll and hyde scenario much? that's rich by the way. just rich.

yeah, maybe you do face unwarranted pressures elsewhere. but does it give you the right? the power to hold us together is in your hands too. yet you seemingly abuse it on purpose. as if you enjoy it. when i am around you, i feel like a time bomb is ticking somewhere, just waiting to g o off. BAM. beacuse i'll never know when some caustic comment will roll from your golden lips. hurtful, but not in your eyes. oh, everything is just ducky when you're in a good mood. laughter, jokes, the works. far too often we see the other side though. the side you shield from the world but unleash on us. tiptoes people. tippy tippy toes. because you never know when the giant will awake. a wayward comment, a joke. nigh indistinguishable what might disturb it, causing the giant to roar. the consequences of waking it are a force to be reckoned with.

the good lord knows i despise hypocrisy. yet you seem to embody the word a lot. we go out of our way to please you, to do what you say. but, it never seems to be obvious to you when you diregard your own principles. blatantly. in your own eyes, you are perfect. blameless. you are never swayed from your perception that you are right and always will be. what if presented with facts? witnesses? you seem to accept it then, but only for the moment. you mull it over, dissecting what we said, then decide that our opinion holds no weight, prepare your counter-argument meticulously, and go for the jugular. whoopee. fat lot of good we do.

i probably am letting of steam here. but i am not angry as it would seem. hurt, regret, certainly. but this has been a neverending story for quite a while. too long for me to feel much emotion. the word sorry has lost its meaning coming from this source. what can we do except hold on. all we can do is pray. pray that god's love will do what we failed to achieve. jesus, we're in your hands.